Hard Hitting News Blog 'R' Us

DHS- The First 3 Weeks

2006-09-22T12:38:00.000-04:00

I'm back! And this time I'm not gonna stop doing what I am doing right in the middle of it. (cough- bios...) But forget about that stuff, a new time has come. SO here I am, sitting the Library Media Center of DHS during my lunch period, on a computer, to talk to all you. Open wide, bitches.

Week One.

My PE partner has only 3 weeks left on parole. There is a pregnant girl in my art class. I saw a drug deal go down yesterday. And today I saw 2 fights. SHAZAM! Take that mother- cluckers! And I love it! There are 860 people in y freshman class. There is no facility or room in the school to hold us all in. Massive. Thats 20x Wooster, I think. HAHA! I see new people every single day. Eat it with a fork! So far, I have not been shot in a gang turf war, or hid with any sort of phallic object. But I did contract SARS in the staircase, I think. But thats a small price to pay for this kind of freedom. Awesome. But yeah, my period is almost over, so I'll have to go for now... But remember... I am not stoppin'! I guarantee at least one a week.... for eternity.

Seeya Then.

Oreste Giache

2006-07-09T22:09:00.000-04:00

After he graduated from the Luther Jonson Community college in 2014 with a major in communications, Oreste headed to London to work as a temp at a British news station, CBC, which years later, was discovered to be a communist channel promoting the rise of a guerilla group to overthrow and behead the Queen. Oreste did not know this at the time. He was a correspondent for a few years, covering such stories as the "Fall of the Great Wall of China", The "Revolution in Ireland", and perhaps the most astonishing story of our time, "Eunch Boy Trapped In Fridge Eats Own Foot". After years of that, he became a plotical pundit, with his own show, "Exit". He often interrogated government officials, and his interviews usually ended in destruction of one's career, thanks to a mixture of lies, fiction, and truth serum. He was arrested in 2064, and jailed, on the charges of, and I quote from the Queen, "He was a royal beotch."

Dndrew is a wholehearted supporter of such Christ- related foods such as Jes-it and Cruton-O-Christ.

Andrew Mac A.K.A. The Central Valley Killer

2006-07-09T14:18:00.000-04:00

Andrew Mac ran away from home in the summer of his freshman year. He joined the James E. Strates Shows, the owners of the carnival that came through the city every year. He candered 'cross the country with his carnie companions in a completely crazy and crappy cocaine-crazed cocoon. He left the circus when he was 21, and he rented a basement in California's Central Valley. He then got a job at McDonalds. Two weeks after he began work there, the morning manager came in one day to find the night manager drowned in a vat of grease. Police thought it was just one incident. Three days later they found a corrupt businessman impaled on a telephone pole. In the next 6 weeks, nine people were found killed in exotic ways in the Central Valley Area. The police eventually raided Andrew's Basment, to see that he had been keeping some people in a well, and had a system of tunnels under the town. Since the death penalty was outlawed in his state, he now resides in a supermax prison. He likes to knit.

To days of inspiration, playing hookie, making something out of nothing, the need to express, to communicate. To going against the grain, going insane, going madddd.

Maggie Rodney

2006-07-09T13:46:00.000-04:00

The story of Maggie Rodney is thought of as one of the most influential stories ever told. After graduating from High School, she went on to college on a swimming scholarship. She was known to swim hours and hours of the day, leaving very little time for her classes or friends. She was destined to go to the Olympics. But in a horrifying turn, during a routine physical examination, it was seen that she had contracted a rare new disease, codename #117a-bravo. It was an extremely dangerous disease, contagious to all that she came into contact with. Her hopes to be an olympian were shot. The government put her into quarantine, and she remained there for nine years as they studied her conditions. The symptoms of her disease, was first a low fever, than uncontrollable night sweats. Her hair turned to frizzy chunks of sodium, and then fell off. She shed her skin. Thankfully, a cure was found, and she was released. She spent the rest of her life in a care home in Vegas, where she became addicted to blackjack.

I wish I had acidy- spit.

Chyenne Lillyblossom

2006-07-07T23:00:00.000-04:00

Originally known as Anna Nyguen, Chyenne Lillyblossom graduated from Danbury High School in 2010. She went to Dartmouth and studied fashion merchandising for her major. After graduating, she went to NYC and was employed as a barista at Starbucks for a year, while she tried to get herself known as a dancer. She eventually became a backup dancer for Cher's 17 Farewell tour. After gaining some recognition, she branched out into more fields. Singing, dancing, modeling, and palm reading. She was hired on as a wallet model, for India's major wallet supplier. Unfortunately, she spontaneously combusted one night while dining with her family. The cause of death was determined to be the bad Veil served at the restaurant.

GIGGITY GIGGITY GIGGITY!!!

Tess Falotico A.K.A. Lead-Foot Tina

2006-07-07T21:32:00.000-04:00

After she graduated from Wooster School in 2010, Tess did not go to college, but negan work at a Los Angeles PR company as an intern. As she worked her way up the ladder, she became known for her extremely fast driving, and how she did many other things as she drove, such as yell at people on her phone, eat, read, do makeup, and steer with her feet. She then became known as Lead-Foot Tina. One day, as she was driving home from work, she did a perfect 720 donut on the freeway, and a Nascar executive saw her. He asked her to be a Nascar driver, and she accepted. her career, while enlightening, was short. After retiring, she was known mostly as a motivational speaker and world class alcoholic. She died in 2073 when the cement truck she was driving jacknifed and was flung off the side of the golden gate bridge.

Dndrew apologizes for his absense, and anyone who asks why, can, shall we say, shove it.

Benjamin Spivak

2006-06-22T20:33:00.000-04:00

-Ben Spivak did not graduate from High-School, he dropped out in his senior year. His name was to be remembered forever, because, all throughout his life, he claimed, to be the son of Christ. Needless to say, he wasn't too popular as a kid. Immediately after his dropping out, the religious fanatic in the making headed to Jerusalem for Ramadan. He lived there for years, and gathered a big group of followers, or "Disciples". It was said that he had performed miracles, like making dying children well, and levatating cheeseburgers. Eventually the Pope, and all the people of the world, took notice. It was said that he never looked a camera in the eyes in his whole life, hence the bad picture. In a shocking turn of events, he was nailed to a telephone pole one night, by a group of drunk desciples. It was impossible for crews to remove his body for three days, and when they returned on the fourth day, he was gone. Turns out he fell into the river, and floated downstream. In an autopsy, it showed that he had an extremely potent and rare marijuana leaf lodged in hus lung, which had kept him perpetually high for his whole life. And so, he was known as "The guy who said he was our savior, but really was just high".

If CON is the opposite of PRO, isn't CONGRESS the opposite of PROGRESS? Or did I just f*ckin' blow your mind??

Brooks Frey

2006-06-18T22:08:00.000-04:00

-Brooks always loved art. After he graduated from the Schoolizheim Academy Of The Arts in 2010, he attended the Anderson Internation Design School. (A.I.D.S.). He was a starving artist, living on the streets of Berlin, and he was homeless for his first years. His art ran the gamut from Moderist Graduclism, to Minimalism. His famous self-portrait "Selfalaxy" practically made Swanlem's "Ritghal" look like Maliin's "Swardol"! He became very famous, and his art was shown in museums all around the world. In 2067 he cut off his leg and presented it as a gift to the Queen of England. He was then jailed many times in the next years, for public drunkeness and public nudity. He was killed in 2073 when he drowned in a vat of paint.

Dndrew has been followed around by a can of paint the last couple days.

Joshua Muniz

2006-06-17T21:45:00.000-04:00

"Salad dressing is the milk of the infidel."
-Joshua Muniz (At a restaurant)

-After graduating from the Linderbakner School of Learning in 2010, Joshua headed to Boston University, where he majored in bio-physics and music. He joined the Peace Corps. and met fellow Corps. member Tyler Jones briefly, before being assigned to the country of Lower Asscracksylvania, a country that was suffering from disease, death, and a tyrannical reign by a sociopath dictator.

"Okay, okay.. How about... I'll be Charlie, and all you virgins can be my angels. Except you. You be Bosley"
- Joshua Muniz (During victory celebration)

He built a group of fighters like himself, and together, they overthrowed the government in a bloodly, horrific, and commercially viable revolt. While he started out a great leader, bringing the country into good times, he himself fell into the role of a ruthless dictator. It was rumored he suffered from a rare type of extreme schizophrenia. He died when a bomb went off in his birthday cake.

"You there... I can read your mind. Right now you are thinking, " Joshua look so sexy in those sheer pants."
-Joshua Muniz (Press conference)
Dndrew prefers cotton to other synthetic fabrics.

Tannaz Sedgi*

2006-06-15T16:08:00.000-04:00

-Tannaz was always a rebellious girl. After she was thrown out of Wooster School in her Junior year for experimenting with drugs and alcohol, she moved to New York City. There she became a waitress at a bar. Over the next three years, she was arrested six times, on counts varying from money-laundering to grand theft auto to tax evasion. She was sentenced to jail for two years, but broke out and managed to smuggle herself to australia in an industrial sized container of Yams. It was there that she became involved in organized crime. She became the crime goddess of Sydney, and was feared world-wide. She was also in charge of a group of pirates that controlled parts of the Pacific. She became known as "Kill Him, Take The Boots". It is believed that she was killed in a turf war with a rival gang in 2051.
*Photo changed by Tannaz's request.

Dndrew just discovered this band called Apocalyptica.

Greg Sommers

2006-06-14T18:47:00.000-04:00

-After dropping out from High School in his freshman year, Monsieur Sommers stowed away on a cargo ship headed for Cuba. There he sold himself into slavery, and was bought by a drug lord. He was the main grower of Marijuana in the country. It was there that Greg became addicted to marijuana, an addiction that would ruin his life. Greg slaved in the fields for two years, and then escaped with a group of fellow workers. He stowed away then, on a ship headed for Africa, and then made his way across the continents to Paris, where he joined a homeless-rehab program. He relapsed several times, and his life was bleak. He did manage to get a job as a publick bus driver, but was fired when he mowed down a woman in the street while high. It was said that he involved himself in a strange indian cult while in Paris. Greg Sommers was killed in 2043 of a combination of pneumonia and a tomahawk to the head.

Dndrew poops on you!

Brianna Fischler

2006-06-11T10:22:00.000-04:00

-After graduating from Ms. Tilly's School of Fantastique Musique, Brianna Fishler went on to the University Of London and studied- Music! Her and her half-paralyzed sister Gabrielle played many concerts, they became quite famous around the music world. Over the next few years they played many famous venues, including Radio City Music Hall, and others around the world. She played for such people as the President of the United States, The President of Morocco, and The World Feminist Federation, led by famous lesbian Brittany Calzone. She also had a crazy streak, very different to her violin-playing self. She was a thrillseeker. In less than one year, she skydived twice, base jumped once, went scuba diving deep in the ocean, and rappeled into the mouth of Vesuvius. She also won the world record for slicing pickles. She now lives on a houseboat outside London. She has two kids, twins, named Adolpho and Louise.

Dndrew is made of 97% evil, 1% spit, and 2% shricken.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG SERIES TO...

2006-06-10T20:15:00.000-04:00

BRING YOU THIS EXCLUSIVE VIDEO!
Yes, I toiled over making this video for hours today, 7, actually, so you better watch it, enjoy it, and leave comments!

Click Here to view a Myspace version. (Far superior quality)

Click Here to view a Youtube version. (Far inferior quality)

4 minutes, 20 seconds long.
36.80 mb
Description:
A hilarious chronicle of our 8th Grade Party, in two chapters, also featuring a trailer for Alec Isaac's latest film, and a commercial. Includes a modern art portion, fashion portion, tubing portion, and music from Kill Bill, BG+E, and Disneyland.

Alyssa Dykman

2006-06-10T18:49:00.000-04:00

-After graduating from Lizzie's School of Hair Design in 2010, Mrs. Dykman attended The Samuelson Maritime College, where she majored in Dolphin studies. After she graduated, she moved to Hawaii to study the natural habitat of a rare species of dolphin off the Honolulu coast. It was there she met her first husband, Grimmiere Flambes, a millionaire who made his fortune by shipping. Two weeks after they married, he died of a heart attack. He was stabbed. Meanwhile, the now-millionaire Ms. Dykman excelled in her research. She met her second husband, Gaylord Scratcher, while working. One month after they returned from their honeymoon, he was found strangled to death by a piano wire in his shed. Only then did it become apparent that he had inherited a fortune from his uncle, Derek Leibman (formerly known as Darcy). After her fourth husband, billionaire Phyllm I. Crahkin was found decapitated in the ceiling of his office building, the FBI thought they had enough to arrest her for the murders of her husband. But, as it appears, she learned how to mutate her legs into flippers, and escaped with the dolphins. Her whereabouts are unknown.

Dndrew knows some people who know some people who rob some people.

Brittany Calzone

2006-06-10T18:29:00.000-04:00

-After graduating from Wooster School in 2010, Ms. Calzone went to Harvard, where she gained a law degree, and organized what would become the world's leading feminist group. She gained a job as an enviromental lobbyist, and headed up the fight against the vehicle industry, who had refused to create new alternate energy vehicles. She was also a leader in the fight against AIDS, the turning over of Roe versus. Wade, and was rumored to be a lesbian. In 2050, her feminist group appealed to Websters Dictionary, to alter such words as "Mantel, Sportsmanship, Manditory, Mankind, and Semester".
She proposed they be changed to "Nantel, Sportyship, Bibbutory, Uskind, and Ovester, since semester=semen, and ovester=ovaries." She died in 2081, of terminal uptightness.

Dndrew would also like to mention that the number 8 is wonderful. So is the letter W.

Kinleigh O' Connor

2006-06-10T17:54:00.000-04:00

- After graduating from Wooster School in 2010, Kinleigh went on to become one of the world's most reknowned Irish Step Dancers. She started small, at Irish weddings and such, and progressed on to concerts, charity benefits, and then stardom. She then changed careers with her hosting of "Irish Step-Dancing With The Stars", untill in it's second season, beloved sports star and contestant Alex Marinier was impaled by a falling pipe during the finale, causing the show to be cancelled. After that, she went on the host "Orgasm Island" on the Fox network, "Family Feud" on ABC, and was the voice of "Glizmatrude", an alien hooker on the show "Family Guy". She now gives dancing lessons to old people in florida.

Dndrew is THE SHITTTTT.

James Sakorafos

2006-06-06T16:34:00.000-04:00

-After he graduated from Wooster School in 2010, James Sakorafos joined the National Guard. He bravely helped the country fight against tornadoes, hurricanes, droughts, floods, power outages and the War on Terror. He helped specifically with that last one. After serving in the National Guard, he changed to the Navy. He served in the Navy on the S.S. Buchanan (Butch-an-in). After years of working on the ship, he was promoted to captain of the fleet of the Buchanan, the Gomper, the Brandeis, and the Ice-T. Three days into his command, he was given an order to direct the the fleet from their current position in Hawaii, to San Deigo bay. After they left Hawaii, they were never seen again. Theories to their disappearance include abducted by aliens, sailed off the face of the earth, sucked into the ocean, kidnapped by one of the pirate groups that control he pacific, such as the one led by "Kill Him, Take The Boots", or he is just a really bad sailor. He was known to take strange courses to places, and it is possible that he took the long way to San Diego, by sailing past Japan and aorund Africa, through the Panama canal, and up to San Diego. There were rumors of a sighting of the Ice-T in the sea of Japan, but they are unconfirmed.

Dndrew has peas on his head, but don't call him a pea head.

Tyler Jones

2006-06-05T17:29:00.000-04:00

-After graduating from Wooster School in 2010, Mr. Jones joined the Peace Corps. and was sent to a small African town for two years. There he was married, to the chieftain's daughter, Uooglowakanaka. It turned out they were cannibals. After hurriedly leaving the Peace Corps., and leaving his wife behind, he became an enviromentalist. He always voted for Nater, all nine times he ran. He was instrumental in the saving of the last albino cave monkeys, and had his arms ripped off when he was trampled by a horde of the previously mentioned monkeys. He then moved into the government, and helped pass many a law having to do with nature and animals. Later in his life, there were rumors of him being an enviromental terrorist, but those were short lived. He was viewed as the "James Bond of Nature". He died in 2058, when his ex-wife Uooglowakanaka found him and ate him alive. He has a museum in London.

Dndrew was raised by fruitbats.

Alex Gropper

2006-06-04T20:48:00.000-04:00

- After graduating from Billing-Schafey in 2010, Alex Gropper proceded to MIT to study biochemistry and advanced psycho-analysis. He was chosen as class orator (actually, he was chosen by default), and gave a two hour speech explaining the connection between college students and self-grudunatilizm. No-one really understood him, and a faculty member suffered a heart attack during the speech. Another was attacked by a dog, but no-one was awake to hear his screams, and Alex was in the zone for another 43 minutes. After graduation, he began work at the world's leading scientific research center, the Donald-Orman Ulmatic Center/Huss Engineering Bio-Advancement Group (D.O.U.C.H.E.B.A.G.). Years into his work, he was on the verge of purportedly, a breakthrough in embryo-cell manipulation, when an experiment went horribly wrong, and he was mutated into a green uber-human, with exaggerated features and a unquenchable rage. Needless to say, his career as leading scientist was over. He broke free of his containment facility, and is now M.I.A. Trackers believe that he now lives somewhere in eastern Russia.

Alec Kessler

2006-06-03T13:39:00.001-04:00

Upon graduation from Wooster School, Alec Nazareth Kessler spent four years in Russia, studying at the University of Moscow. He majored in fashion and merchandising. He returned to New York City the next year, and worked at Gucci for two years while doing stand up around in various theatres. He gained popularity slowly at first, then faster and faster. His show name was film-Flam the Fierce, and his act was centered mainly around him playing with props and falling down in strange ways. He had his first HBO special in 2018, and appeared in a special episode of Kim Possible. In 2021, he appeared in his first film, directed by beginner Alec Isaacs, entitled, "Showdown at Wes's Ribs House", about a samurai lizard looking for revenge against Wes, ( Alec's Character) and then having a Coyote- Ugly style dance-off to determine who lives and who dies. Alec starred in his very own TV series, " I lost my self respect at Wes's Ribs House", which tanked and was cancelled after three episodes. You can find repeats on TBS. His career skyrocketed to another level in the next few years. He appeared on Oprah, Ellen, The View and MXC. Unfortunately, in 2031, he was killed in a freak hay-bale incident while on the set of his newest slasher film, "It Be Rainin' Fire!!"

Dndrew considers "Showdown at Wes's Ribs House" one of the best films of all time.

Casey Orr

2006-06-01T19:52:00.000-04:00

- After dropping out of school in her junior year, Casey Orr traveled to Paris where she tried to get a career in modeling. Reportedly, she was homeless during these times, and refused financial help from her family. Most people thought it was her independence, and her want to prove herself to others, but as I deducted, she had stopped taking her medicine. She got a big break when she was hit by a bus driven by recovering drug addict Greg Sommers, and when her limp body hit the street, a passing photographer was so intrigued by it, he gave her a contract. Throughout her early career, she was known best for her colorful language, and the time she wrestled Tyra Banks off the runway into the sound booth, because she called her "twitchy". After a trip to South America to save the rainforest (actually, that was just PR- she hated nature), she returned to Paris, but it seemed she had brought with her a horrible case of Elephantitis. In merely weeks, she balloned to two size her original weight and volume, her hands blown to the size of tires. She spent the rest of her life giving speeches about her struggle with Elephantitis. She now lives in Florida with her two poodles, Nibble and Fruitypie.

Dndrew would like to make a shout-out to Mr. Morning, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Jesus.

Anthony Falatico A.K.A. Angry Falcon

2006-06-01T19:36:00.000-04:00

- After graduating from Wooster School in 2010, Anthony proceded to West Point and graduated Magna Cum Laude. His years after college graduation are not well known. He was known though, to have had many jobs, mercinary, assasin, Green Beret, pastry chef and mob heavy, just to name a few. In 2021 he became affiliated with the FBI, and his past from there is shrouded with mystery. His codename, Angry Falcon, was used in this job. After serving in the 4th Iraq War (Operation: Revenge) under the presedency of George Bush III, he was supposedly killed in Iraq by "Child- eating, puppy sodomising, cycloptic Iraqi people.(Quote from George Bush III). Although, 22 years after his apparent death, he was allegedly seen in a New Jersey Mall, buying loafers.

Dndrew only wears loafers with a belt of matching colour, and a matching purse.

New Bio Series- Daily Update!

2006-05-31T17:54:00.000-04:00

Yes, my friends, to usher in summer, I have an announcement of epic proportions! From today on (for at least forty days) there will be a new entry each day! These new entries will focus on honoring the graduating class of '10! Using my psychic skills, I tapped into the futures of these 40-something teenagers, and their impact on the future. Exclusive from Dndrew!

Giant Beast Destroying English Cities

2006-04-14T09:34:00.000-04:00

England.

Thousands of townspeople were violently moved from their towns yesterday, for a large beast-like Giant creature was parading around southern England, destroying cities. No word yet of where the monster came from, or what it is. All that is know is that it is tall, angry, ugly, and likes raw eggs. He destroyed an entire chicken farm, and ate all the eggs.

He was first sighted deep in southern England, some people say he rose out of the sea. From there he moved across the small Island nation, destroying more towns. He is poised to reach London by tomorrow evening.

It is a strange coincidence that this creature has appeared, during the same stretch of time that the genetic freaks (see previous articles) have been prancing around. Co-incidence, or not? Look to Dndrew for continuing coveridge of this totally awesome (I mean, disasterous) thing.

Although Dndrew knows nothing of pop culture, he still finds Kevin Federline a douchebag.

Stunning Lapse In Aquarium Safety!

2006-03-17T17:40:00.000-05:00

Orlando, Florida-

Early friday morning a leak was found in the retaining walls of the Man-Eating Shark Tank at Sea World Orlando. Without much warning, the glass walls burst, sending over one million gallons of water onto guests. And 2 man eating sharks. Fortunately, very few people were down in the shark exhibit, as the park had just opened. A representitive from Sea World informed us that None of the Man Eating Sharks survived, because the waves swept them into the Killer Otter habitat. A bloodbath resulted, and all of the involved animals died in the battle. An eyewitness gave us an exclusive account:

"They was all fighting and movin' real fast, I couldn't keep me eyes on them. Dos' otters were kinda using their tusks as ...ummm.. swords, and were pricking the sharks. They was bobbizzling their heads up and down mighty quickly, goin- "Ork ork ork ork". Now I was like, "Wtf?". And at that moment, dis' otter kinda flew through the sky past me goin' "Orkkkkkkkk!!!" and he flew right over the doggon wall!! Yo! I was like- "What the.... How did that happen bro?". And then I saw those sharks kinda swapping their tail's all ovah, and the otters were shooting left and like...right! Sadly though, I fainted shortly after... on account of all dis' stress to my mindizlle."

-Kevin Allen, Janitor

Now to the real problem at hand- What caused the breakage of the shark tank? Upon inspection of the tank's remaints, a sign was found that said "Any leaks you may see are a safety concern as they will eventually unseal on their own". I dont get this at all. Its pretty much telling people, that leaks are bad. I mean, did we not know that? It turns out that the man responsible for making the signs is not a man, but a woman! And it turns out that that person is not actually a woman, but a horse! And it also turns out that that horse is not a horse, but a broom!

Dndrew is seriously starting to doubt his sources's credibility.

Alien Baby Born to Penguins

2006-03-16T09:18:00.000-05:00

Researchers in Antarctica stumbled upon an Alien Penguin baby while they were doing their daily tagging responsibilities. The baby was strange at first sight, having no penguin-like characteristics. It's face was also upside down on it's head. Which was rather weird. There has been no strange activity up there untill last wednesday, when a huge crack ripped through the ice shelf, and right through a research camp. The baby was taken to a lab in Russia sunday, and is under surveilience there. Of course, our government has to see it to believe it, they can't take anyone's word for it... Why cant we just trust other countries and live in a big world of love, instead of waging pointless wars and destroying our natural resources, I think its stupid and I hate it and I just want to scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and SHOUT!

Dndrew accidently asphyxiated himself within this run-on sentence. They rushed him to the Vet immediately.

The Freaks Are Breeding!

2006-03-16T09:01:00.000-05:00

OMG!

The Freaks are Breeding!

Just when we thought that the freaks had left the planet, or hunted and killed eachother, they appear again, with kids! There are two more "Sparkies", both female, another "Norgay", and another "Gonzales". At the rate of their multiplication, the world will be completely filled with Freaks by the year 9,004.

The government is sending out pamphlets to protect yourself and your family. It is unclear what the freaks want, but they are evading capture skillfully and masterfully. It is also unclear why "Sparky" conceived another child than the other freaks, but I suspect that.... well, I guess this needs to stay PG. Untill next time-

Stock up on duct tape and cheerios.

Dndrew is watching Family Guy while typing this.

Love Is In The Air!*

2006-02-18T10:27:00.000-05:00

Aw.....

Yes! This is my once yearly entry that focuses on the most commercialized of all holidays, the holiday that is Valentines's Day. I had to chaperone a school dance, and I stumbled upon a huge story.

Everybody was so happy, and there was no drama going on whatsoever. something had to be horribly wrong. I noticed that there was a group of people clustered around the bowl of candy hearts, and I reached in and tried one. I was immediatley plastered. I hadn't been this high since fraternity hazing trials, when I had to drink seven bottles of spanish rum through osmosis. Being the responsible adult I am, I confiscated them and alerted the authorities.

A week later, I was called and thanked for my assistance, and was informed that the little hearts were made of a sort of lizard tranqulizer mixed in with yeast pills. The effects of this twisted cocktail would seriously mess these kids up.... And they were. So that explains their happiness.

I further researched the matter to find that the factory that produced these candies recently had a gigantic lizard infestation, and after the extermintaion bloodbath, some extra tranq leaked into the vats.

Hopefully this will teach our children to adminsiter a full chemical test before trying any candy, like I tought my neice to do.

Dndrew would like to say that candy hearts taste bad anyway, and that Peanut Butter Cups are da' shiznit.

*No its not.

Genetically Enhanced Freaks Escape From Canadian Lab

2006-01-29T14:33:00.000-05:00

Alert! Three genetically enhanced teenagers have escaped from a secret lab hidden in the snowy mountains of Canada. They are considered incredibly dangerous, and they are angry. The Canadian goverment claims to have had no idea about the lab, that it was operating under command of a man only known as, "All and all, it was a good day". It was said that he left the building before the triplets escaped, and avoided the following explosion. When the three escaped from their holding chambers, they caused a huge explosion to rip apart the lab. The first of the three, codename "Sparky", is capable of creating fire, and turning objects into magma. The second, "Norgay", can cause objects to decay at rapid speeds. The final, and arguably most dangerous hybrid of all, "Gonzales", is able to create lightning and tidal waves.

Well that sucks.

Dndrew has decided to move out of Canada.

Cookie Monster Sues Sesame Street

2006-01-22T10:58:00.000-05:00

The Cookie Monster- One of the staples of the children's TV show Sesame Street, is suing the show for harassment and the rights to his character. The Cookie Monster, who's real name is "Herbert Gungusman" has seperated himself from that show that has been his home, since, like..... ever. His harassment charges are mainly focused at Elmo, real name "Tipsy McShins", who, he claims, convinced him to drink some paint thinner, saying it was a M+M smoothie. He was out cold for twenty-six hours, and upon quesioning, Elmo replied, "He went to Elmo's World!!!"

The Cookie Monster was also harassed by Big Bird, also known as Tamagus Rashad. Big Bird frequently left inappropriate notes on Cookie Monster's desk, and was sighted once following Cookie Monster home. He applied for a restraining order, but it never went through.

The biggest offense that caused The Cookie Monster to sue the show, was the denial of his rights to his character. He went mad at the meeting, throwing the producer out the window, and nearly beheading Ernie, real name Boise Richels. The Cookie Monster is expected to appear in court next month.

Dndrew believes that the Cookie Monster is a serious threat to his cookie horde.

California Or Bust!!!

2005-12-23T23:02:00.000-05:00

California Or Bust!!!
(But Preferably California)

Hello loyal readers, I have an announcement to make! I will be leaving sunday to go to California to visit friends and family. I have also recieved a top of the line- Canon Powershot Digital Elph SD550, the latest in the Digital Elph lineage. (Artsy shot on right) It will chronicle my trip, and possibly even get it's own new blog.

Leaving Sunday- Fly to Los Angeles
Sunday Night- Dinner at Aunt's house with family.
Monday- Visit Disneyland with fam and Linnea
Tuesday- Leave LA, head to LAS VEGAS, NEVADA
Wednesday- Leave Las Vegas, go to San Diego and Hometown Bonsall!
Leave on Saturday

YEEHA!!!

New CD! Cataldo + Friends

2005-12-03T20:41:00.000-05:00

Pop Icon "Cataldo" Releases New CD
Saturday- The international pop icon known simply as "Cataldo" has released a new CD today, entitled "Cataldo + Friends". This marks his third album in two years. His debut cd was titled "There ain't no recipes for Prarie Pancakes in this book", and was an instant sensation. It was a chart-topper, spending nine weeks at #1. Some of the most popular songs on the cd were:
-Perform like a champion
-Errun Burgh!! Errrun Burrrh!
-Nastiness
-How many roads.... -Ben Jameson Remix

In june of that year, he made a followup album, entitled "HIGHLIGHT and ANNOTATE!!!" this was a sleeper hit, and sold more copies than his first. He had departed from his hip-hop niche, and had entered a more hard, gangsta style. His hits included:
-Booted and Spurrrrrred
-Tanizzle and Gabrizzle
-Me and my projector
-This cup is BLUE.

After that, the sucess got to him. He started to move down a dangerous road, a road critics have called "danger road". His public appearances were usually strange in some way. He took up many new hobbies, including breakdancing and scientology. He gained an interest in art, and made many portraits like the one shown here. His health was rapidly declining. He fell into a habit of drug use. He got married 6 times. He eventually got help, and was accepted to the Seahorse Shores INTENSE SUBSTANCE ABUSE TREATMENT AND RETIREMENT HOME FACILITY. It changed his life. Now, one year later, he has released a new family-friendly album, him and a bunch of kids singing party songs. It is expected to be a huge hit.

Dndrew complements Cataldo on turning his life around. He'll see him at seven on bingo nite.

World's Ugliest Dog Dies

2005-12-02T17:10:00.000-05:00

Sam.

This name defined a decade of hideous ugliness.

Fifteen years, to be exact.

Fifteen years of hideous ugliness.......

Sam, a chinese crested hairless (why chinese? why?), died of heart failure this friday. He probably looked in the mirror. His owner, Susie Lockheed, adopted him from a shelter, after he had been called "the unadoptable one". No one would take him home, but she did. That was 1990. Twelve years later, Susie enters her pet in a ugly dog competion. He won three years in a row, before he died. He even got his own websites, dedicated to his freakish grotesque horrorness. Sam has no fur, except for a little tuft on the top of his head, his teeth looked like they have been beaten by a sledgehammer. His skin is bumpy and discolored. His eyes are different sizes. You can see through his ears. Yet he never let his head fall. he looked at himslf as if he was hot stuff. He never gave up.

Little Shop of Horrors here has been on many television programs, including cbs morning, and others.

Dndrew is an avid fan of Sam. It is believed that they come from the same mother.

Child Bloodbath?

2005-11-25T12:14:00.000-05:00

In the year 2005, the world will fall victim to an army of pissed off toddlers. At least, thats what I think. The number of assaults by children have multiplyed ten-fold since 1905. Why are these children so angry? Is it a inherent gene flaw, taking over the fruit of our loins, more and more every year? Only my full power of investigative journalism can show the readers the truth.

Humans have been getting more and more desensitised to violence as centuries have passed by. These children were prey to the trend. It has also been discovered that several shows for kids, have been insructing them how to destroy. Pokemon, with it's brightly colored machines of death, has a rap with satanic messeges in it.

Gotta Catch em' All!

I Love Satan!

Who knows how deep this conspiracy goes? I for one, am not going to be prey when the time comes. It is undeniable, the aliens are using the children to carry out their orders. And I found this stuff on the internet, so it has to be true!

Dndrew considers himself to be the leader in the fight against "Child Bloodbaths", but is in no way neurotic. Cough.

Too Much Makeup?

2005-11-24T18:33:00.000-05:00

There is a dangerous fad going around, with both the world's male and females. This fad involves applying hideous amounts of makeup to their skin, when not even needed. There are several girls at my school, who, are beautiful in their natural way, but insist on adding large amounts of aqua eyeshadow and such to their faces. Even I have witnessed such atrocities happening in my own home, with my sister turning into this (Fig. A) most mornings after her beautifying ritual.

Why do they enjoy painting themselves to look like these foul creatures? The act of mating is usually avoided with those who are ugly, and since a growing number of the population has transformed themselves into beasts as these, the species may fail to make it for much longer. The dominion of mankind will be blamed on Revlon and Maybelline. No ring could cause such cataclysmic damage as a simple compact could. Maybe she's born with it? I think not.

Dndrew has recieved many awards involving his journalistic prowress,
yet can barely feed himself.